A Home
by SilentPatronus
Summary: Jac opens up to herself. One-shot


**Don't even ask what this is because I'm not sure. So apparently I went into Jac's mind on my bus journey home and this was what I came up with. **

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A cluttered mind blurs the truth. This rings true for me and now denial isn't an option. A future weak image is avoidable only if the truth is admitted and that's something I've never been quick to deny. I have this ability to hide the truth from myself unknowingly. Thoughts that are meant to be wandering my mind have no space, as it's so full that there's no room for wandering. My mind is filling and an astonishing rate one of which I fear I cannot control and leaves me with two options. I can delve into it sorting it through piece-by-piece and rebuilding it folding it neatly away or discarding it. Then there is the second option, which is nothing. Continuation of my current state refusing acceptance and adding to the mind until one day it bursts. Until it suddenly explodes and control will be something I no longer have. For so long that has seemed like the preferable option letting it build up but I can now feel it reaching its limits, it's outer boundaries. Soon fears will be faced, emotions realised and truths discovered.

I must delve in or face the consequences. Control is the only thing I have ever yearned for. Weakness is evident in those who can't cope, who can't control and I will never fall that far. Strength and control is what keeps me going. The bitter exterior according to some is just a front; it's fake. For a while I believed this was true but it isn't. The stubborn reality of my exterior is my way of gaining control. It's not purposeful it's the only way I feel safe and it's not fake because it's the only way I've ever known. But nothing works continuously progressive forever and this I'm coming to realise. Every method, every system has its faults even if they're not clear at first and those are the most dangerous. Usually there is time to correct it. But where do you begin? How do you search for something that's invisible? I'm trained to instinctively protect my mind, I don't go looking for feelings and I certainly don't explore them. Fixing functions is my forte, is that how I'm supposed to look at it? As a function?

It isn't a question of whether I have a heart because if I didn't how can I feel love? It's neither a question of having emotions because if I didn't how come I feel the pain that is swamping me and pinning me down? These unknowns are what will tilt me over the edge if I don't endeavour to solve this atrocity soon. I will have to do something I've never done before. I will have to want to open up to myself. I will have to try and this fills me with trepidation as what if inside this clutter that is my mind all that exits is broken fragments of something that was once my life?

Wandering my mind is like finding a needle in a haystack or running aimlessly through a maze. Where do you begin? Where do you go next? I don't think I have the strength or the time to sort through it all; the majority can be chucked away. The focus is on the present. The aim is to solve this chaos that exists. How I don't know but the repercussions will not be constrained to just myself if I don't. My actions have caused problems for others which has never bothered me before but I feel more obliged to make an effort for once. I feel obliged to be bothered when it's my own flesh and blood that will be affected. Not just that but if I'm going to start admitting things and letting myself feel the pain I do and the emotions that run through me then I don't want to hurt _him _anymore, the man that will be forever tied down to me unable to escape my wrath.

Maybe it's best I start with him. Get the worst over and done with one might say. Of all the things that I've locked up and shoved away this is the hardest one to do so. It's always remained at the surface causing me to lapse in and out and resulting in crushing him further. I'm not numbed but I might as well be because the pain I feel isn't the hurt that others have caused me or that I've caused myself it's what I've caused _him_.

I'm getting there I think. I'm starting to open up. I'm trying to let myself feel the emotions that are buried deep within and for them to speak on my behalf. I never bargained on sharing my thoughts and feelings, they were mine to keep so I thought. But he just kept niggling and I will falter uncontrollably if I don't break myself down gently. He's forced me into this. He's hurried forward the inevitable. Ice-queen Jac Naylor is forced to confront reality and to breakdown the invisible wall that repels so many people.

From the outside looking in it seems complex, there's a lot to sort through but a lot of it is a broken mess that is no longer needed. Only a small section is needed for the memories and the rest can go. This takes up three quarters of my mind which is more than enough. Joseph; binned. Childhood; binned. All that is left are the select few moments that I actually want to remember. Letting go is easy when you know how and they only way you know how is when you know that you want to and you need to. When you know that you can eventually be happier than you were previously and for a while I was. Letting go was easy because it's no longer what I want. I know what I want and that's the reason why I'm doing the unexpected. Or is it really that unexpected? As everyone knows I'd do anything to keep my composure – keep my control.

In reality this is the safer alternative. This is in fact the Jac Naylor alternative – surprisingly. Any normal person would be pouring their heart out to anyone who'd hear but here I was pouring my heart out to no one but myself because I kept it hidden for so long that I wouldn't even let myself see. I allow myself to close my eyes and remember. I remember the moments where his touch sent shivers down my spine or when he looked at me as if I were the only woman there. It's been a long time since he's looked at me that way but I remember as if it were yesterday.

It's pretty evident that he's that one person that I can't seem to live with yet I can't seem to live without either. If I had a father he'd probably tell me that that's the kind of man I want but instead I had myself telling me that that wasn't important. I ruined it for myself because I couldn't handle someone pushing my boundaries and I didn't like someone to see the parts of me that I didn't let myself see. I have no means of solving the situation. The situation that has left me realising that I am irrevocably in love with this man yet I can't seem to let him get close to me. All people have ever done to me is hurt me. All I've ever done to myself is cause my own pain. The protective wall is much a protection from myself as from others.

Whether it's too late and he's gone for good I do not know but this is not enough – I know that now. Searching my mind and discovering how I feel isn't enough because it doesn't solve the issues. Not only do I have to admit to myself that I've been living a fallacy but I've got to admit it to him because it's the only way to prove that this isn't one of my manipulation games that everyone now knows oh too well.

Putting that thought to one side until his eyes are next upon me and there's the chance to explain I move on to the other ghost that's haunting me. This baby. Against all odds I've managed to conceive which was something a few months ago I'd have thought impossible. There's a thing growing inside me and I surprised myself in feeling so strongly that I would keep it. This child would not be abandoned. The stress it brings me when he tries to bring up the subject on how it is going to work and his insistence that he wants to be involved is difficult. I am sure that I want him there every step of the way. I want my child to have what I didn't have – a father. But being so close to him is teasing in a way and it's excruciatingly painful but nothing less than I deserve.

I allow myself to open my eyes and I instantly feel tired. I need to blink several times until I can see at full vision and notice that he is sitting in front of me. He'd be watching me but for how long I don't know. For a minute I panic that he's heard everything and then I realise that it's all happened inside my head and I've allowed myself to open up to myself. I realise now how I feel about it all because for once I've allowed it to be joined together, for me to process the situation. Staring into his green eyes I do not flinch, I do not give anything away but I know he's been thinking. He's been thinking for a lot longer than I have and he's waited for this. He's waited for me to realise and for to break. He just never understood how difficult this was for me because for him a family and a home is normality but for me this is the first time I've felt a belonging. He smiles at me squeezing my hand. If I'm right then he's not let yet go and now I have to explain. I have my chance to have what I've always wanted. A home.


End file.
